Broken pieces...

24 hours to the start of my finals and I'm feeling way worse than worse...
Reasons?
(i) Studies are incredibly tough to handle.. way above my league...
(ii)Nothing can be as worse as getting into a fight with Jeng and the cause of it? Mervyn.
(iii)Not being able to sleep for the past 24 hours due to reason no.2
(iv)Having to down cups of coffee just to stay awake to get studies done just so i've a better chance to merely "understand" the questions; what more actually getting the workings right.

It's a miserable day and I can't find a way to make it any better. It was the second time Mervyn came into the picture. 1st time was last week when 'he' (Jeng) mentioned that 'he' was upset and uncomfortable with the fact that Merv keeps calling and asking me out for drinks etc... After hours of convincing, 'he' decided to give it a shot with him. I was glad that 'he' was at least willing to try.
Little did I know that a week later, 'he' brought it up again. After trying for another ONE time. I don't know what else to do. I've been nothing but incredibly honest with 'him' and Merv ever since it all started. When I'm out with Merv, he does ask me bout my current and I'm never too shy to mention how great its going. I'm just plain happy and now, I can finally be friends with him without the feeling of hating him to my guts. Yes I did hate him! no doubt. But because I'm so engrossed with what I have now that he doesn't matter. And I'm so much happier knowing that I don't have to have a enemy/friendship relationship and now, its just pure friendship.... I'm extremely clear of the fact that I love 'him' and NOT him. If only 'he' could see that...

Unfortunately 'he' can't seem to get pass it. Everytime he is around, 'he' freaks. And just 10 hours ago, 'he' showed his discontentment again.

I'm torn....

I've finally manage to step out of the love(friendship)/hate relationship with Merv and I certainly don't want to get back into that cuz it SUX! And now, 'he' is indirectly asking me to get back into it just so we don't remain close friends. I'm so torn.... here I am finally being able to just be plain happy about my friendship with Merv; I have to let it go....

You gals know how hard I've pulled myself through all these since everytime when something goes haywire, I talk to u gals... so you gals should have an idea what I mean... sighh....

I wish I wasn't put in this situation... I don't know what to do... I've been trying my heart out to make 'him' feel as secure of my love as possible by being EXTREMELY and TOTALLY honest with 'him' about everything I speak with Merv but yet its not enough.
And because I was totally honest, there's now no more shield.. no options... I can't think of anything else I can do except leave it to the hands of:
(i) The one I love so dearly...
(ii) One whom I chose to remain close friends regardless of what happened before because it took everything out of me to hate his guts... and the best part is now I don't feel the need to cuz I know I don't love him...

Its up to them... I'm all dried up...
Exams in 24 hrs time and I'm freaking tired from tears and sleepless nights...

I give up....
I'm all drained....

So much to say... so little time...

Yes.. I've been missing in action again. Mostly due to crazy, long hour classes I've been having for the past 1 month; 126 hours of study in 14 days straight to be exact! 9 hrs of classes everyday... I've grown physically weaker and emotionally & mentally sapped. So much so until I can't even keep track of the dates and days till FrEeEeDdDdooOmMmm....

About my 21st Birhtday Celebration. Things turned out much better than I expected. Well, though I didn't expect much of it, but still... what more can a girl ask for in stressed up moments like this.. Lol! Then again, it was a great day. Glad to have spent it with people who mean a whole lot to me though it could've been much better with all my bestest babes and buddies being around. Nevertheless, having those around to celebrate with me was just as memorable and fun.
To Choon, Sun, ShuMei, Grace, WeeLim, Keith (Grace's ahem.. :P), Chorng Tyng, ChaiWye and my other great buddies, I LOVE YOU GUYS HEAPS!!!!! and thanks a bunch for all the pressies :P
Will post up pictures and most entries regarding my birthday after exams ya... been so stressed up lately, my patience level is gradually thinning away...

Besides exams, there are other matters which are running thru my mind even though THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO since my exams around the corner..........

I don't know if I should be thanking my lucky stars but ever since I got together with my 'hun', it has been nothing but the Greatest. We can spend endless amount of hours gazing at each other and being swept away in the moment. We dont' even need to talk to one another! :) It has been Perfect...
....so perfect that I'm beginning to get all freaked out again. Afraid of getting so emotionally involved though I know Love, as we speak, is definitely in the air. But 'it' hit me. This was exactly how I got myself into a huge, miserable mistake with Mervyn. I was overly involved until I couldn't let him go... Somehow, deep down, I fear it'll happen again. Sighhh.... I love 'hun' so dearly....
*the heart is fighting with the mind....*
-I wonder how you babes can remain your composure and be so sure that the one you love will always love you just as much?
'Hun' has provided me with sense of security.. but I just can't assure myself that I won't be hurt..... *slapping myself*

... back to studies... will continue my stories after getting some sleep later...

the troubled me,
*Lynn*

"When a girl cries....."

I know the writings below will not have much significance on us girls, but i think its really true to a certain extend.. you be the judge!

........
When a girl cries it doesn’t mean she's weak...

If a girl cries in front of u...
it means that she couldn’t take it anymore.

If u takes her hand, she would stay with u for the rest of ur life;
If u let her go, she couldn’t go back to being herself anymore.

A girl won’t cry easily, except in front of the person whom she loves the most, she becomes weak.

A girl won’t cry easily, only when she loves u the most, she puts down her ego.

Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of u, please hold her hands firmly, coz she's the one who is willing to stay with u 4 for the rest of ur life.

Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of u, please don’t give her up, maybe bcoz of ur decision, u ruin her life.

When she cries rite in front of u,
When she cries bcoz of u,
Look into her eyes,
Can u see n feel the pain n hurt she's feeling?
Think.

Which other girl have cried with pure sincerity,In front of u, AND bcoz of u?
She cries not because she is weak,
She cries not bcoz she wants sympathy or pity,
She cries,
Because crying silently is no longer possible, the pain, hurt n agony has become too big a burden to be kept inside.

Guys,
Think about it,
If a girl cries her heart out to u,
And all because of u,
Its time to look back on wat u have done,
Only u will know the answer to it.

Do consider it,
Coz one day,
It may be too late for regrets,
It may be too late to say "I'm sorry"...

***You may regret it for the rest of ur life.

Maybe in ur life, she's the only one who loves u the most.Remember this lesson before its too late...

*Lynn*

The best things in Life come when you least expect them to...

Spent a great day with darling yesterday... Though we didn't do much, but lying down chatting and laughing away was more than enough to make my day... :)

This afternoon while browsing through peoples blog, I stumbled upon my darling's best friend's page. Don't ask me how I found it, but I just found it. So I started reading alittle by little and there it was.. the EXACT same scenario I experienced with Merv. Well.. not exactly the same but its pretty much a 60% fit. The only difference? Merv and I were previously attached.. but she had a crush on my dear for almost 4 years now. But from the very beginning, it was made clear that they'll both remain as friends and nothing more. So since then, they were best buddies, confidantes to one another. But as I read on, I found out that she was waiting for him all along... from the moment he laid things clear, till he left for Canada and till he got back. She was so apparent about her feelings towards him but he didn't notice. And when we got together, it shattered her heart real bad...

I guess what they say is true.. we always want things we can't have thinking that's the best choice for us; but we seldom realize that what we have now is what's most important...
Look who's FINALLY talking??! Lol...

I don't blame her for feeling how she felt since I've been there myself. But her actions and sacrifices for him had definitely made my love of my dear very much more promising. Even though I may still hold some people close to heart but he's undeniably the dearest...

Merv's in the process of patching things with Michelle... As for me, slowly and surely pulling myself away from any business relating to him. A friend's advice "If you still stick close to him, I'm afraid you'll end up hating him more..."
True enough... It has been way too often that he mixed my emotions and I'm finally putting a stop to it... Sadly, I still very much despice him... So now, MSN conversations are cut short... and the only way I get his updates is thru his Friendster shoutouts...
nothing more I need from him...

Something else is occupying my mind now... NZ Trip!!!! :)
Will keep you guys posted if I'm going...

Muaks,
*Lynn*

Birthday Blues....

Don't you just wish that at times, there're more than 24 hours in a day? Its a scary thought that the day seems to get shorter and shorter by the minute; worst still when you have so much to do...

Studies have been slow... I mean REALLL slow. The enthusiasm I thought I had tonnes at the beginning of the semester is rapidly fading away. Now, I constantly find myself procrastinating or simply diverting from my present priorities. Studies should be at the top of my list!! especially vital moments as such! I'm that close to finishing my academics and I just have to lose my attention now! Arghhh...
And the best part is, the mind can wander into so many other activities such as my passion to continue dancing (in which I definitely would as soon as exams over), reading blogs, missing my Dear and muh babes and the list goes on and on... Think its about time I literally strap myself to the chair and make sure I stay there for at least 10 hours a day! *still dreaming..*

10 days till I turn 21 years of age. Didn't have the thought of celebrating at first since classes have been throwing me all off plus stress from 'others'. But after deep thoughts, I decided to just go on and plan for a dinner party anyway. Don't want to regret 10 years from now thinking I didn't put the slightest effort in making that day much better than previous years. Well, even if I didn't enjoy, at least I spent it with special people in my life. So, there comes my 'added' stress:

So there I was; listing down the names of people whom I would love to spend my special day with. Was looking in the lines of between 25-30 pax... I started..

1....
2....
3....
4...
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
55...

55 people on my list!!!! I was like?!??!?!!?!?!?!??
As frantic as I can get, I tried to look for ways and means to cut as many people off as possible. Sadly, after 3 hours staring at the piece of paper, I went numb... only managed to strike off 5...

You know what they say, "when things get bad, they'll always get worse"
How true can that be? My parents insist that we have a family dinner to celebrate my 21st. So I left the arrangements with my family with the view that dinner will be reasonable since I'll be spending my friends. As usual, they had a "private" meeting just the 3 of them and talked about it for almost 2 hours. Conclusion: Buffet Dinner at Crown Princess. Cost = Rm65++ per pax.. and how many relatives they're inviting? the WHOLE family! so total cost would be about RM 1800++. ?!!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!
The eavesdropping did not do me any good. I rather not spend on my friends anymore if that's the cost of a family dinner....
Hopefully, I'll be able to talk them out of doing such a fancy dinner... Afterall, its no big deal. Its just another day....

*let's just hope it'll all fall into place...

*Lynn*

Courtesy of Blogthings...

~How You Life Your Life~

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

[*true enough....]

~Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage~

You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person. You're serious about settling down some time soon. Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

[*Omg!!!!!.. I'm still young!]

~How do people see you?~

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment. They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

[Hahahaha.. what do you think guys?]

~How You Are In Love~

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to give more than take in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

[How true is that?!?! sighh....]

~What age do you act?~

You Are 20 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

[Not bad.... I'm surprised...]

~What are the keys to your heart?~

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

[.... still pondering....]

~What kind of seducer are you?~

Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you! Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter. You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you. You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable. Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life. By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover. Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives. Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours. No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

[*lost for words*]

~What kind of kisser are you?~

Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance. You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea. The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood. It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet.

[probably the most accurate of them all...]

-www.blogthings.com-

*Lynn*

Life Long Experience...

Yesterday felt like a Life experience...

Merv called to see if we could meet up for a drink. Since I owe him one, I agreed to go. From the tone of his voice, I knew something was up and chances are, its about this current gf, Michelle. As much as I wish he didn't look for me to talk bout it, he did.
The moment I stepped into his car, he told me that he has to break up with Michelle tomorrow. To my surprise, I asked the obvious question. "Why?"
"Her parents disapproval.." he tells me...
Immediately, I felt a certain unfamiliar feeling.
We sat down at Coffee Bean Subang since he said he needed some anti-depressants. I figured chocolates would be good.. Anyhow, this is his problem:

They started off about 3 weeks ago and one week into the relationship, he found out that she wasn't going to be in KL for good. She came down from Penang to further her training in Yoga and she was going to leave for Penang after 3 months. She thought he knew about it but after that, they decided to just stay on to see if they were going anywhere. Apparently, they're very much in love. This weekend when she went back to Penang, her parents felt the change in her and that she wasn't her usual self. She constantly spoke about him which made them feel as though she was diverting from her priorities. Hence, parents told her to stop seeing him. And being the obedient daughter she is, she had to do it. So they are not suppose to have any form of communication or see each other for the next 30 days so she can concentrate on what she came to KL to do. And after that 30 days, they can decide on whether or not they want to continue. But the twist is, she'll be returning to Penang for GOOD in 30 days and if they were to carry on with the relationship, it would be long distance. Something which he is not sure if it will work.

He was so depressed yesterday that he even cried in front of me. I didn't know what to do/say. I mean what do you expect when talking to your EX gf about your CRN gf??

What bothers me most is the way I feel inside. Part of me feels so sorry for him and seeing him upset is something I wish I didn't have to see. But another part of me feels like he deserved it after what he had done to me. Plus, everything he described to me about how he feels makes my heart ache knowing that it wasn't the way he felt for me before... Throughout the night, there were times I looked at him with disgust.. but also looked at him with compassion.
I know there were times where I wish he knew how I felt before... I wish he went through the same thing as how I did so he knows the feeling of hurt... but after seeing the way his heart ached yesterday, makes me want to take my words back. As much as he hurt me, I've come to realize that I need not want the person ache too.
Yes, he still means alot to mean as a friend, but due to our history, things will never be the same. He's very much in love now and so am I, though I just need to learn to let the past go (something which I'm still learning to do).

I feel sorry for him... but I guess that's Life... What goes around comes around?? Its scary!!!
But seeing him going thru pain is just sad... seeing anyone go thru pain is painful... that's human nature... so much so that you rather be the one who hurt than seeing another go thru the ache..

So I've come to a conclusion:
Even if my feelings were compromised before, I don't think the happiness of the person who hurt me should be compromised as well... Not forgiving; but simply because its not pleasing at all to see another go thru pain regardless of who the person is or has been...

Though I despise him for what he had done before, I still hope and pray the best for him...

-Seeing that everything's so unpredictable, I definitely treasure what I have now more than anything else in the world...

*Lynn*

Moments...

It has been a month + since we've been together and I can't even describe the feeling... Its more than great and I'm thrilled to say that it'll get better... :)
Ever since my last entry about my new guy, everything has been improving tremendously. Yes, I was feeling very insecure at first but to my surprise, everything fell into place just right. In fact, all fell into place better than I expected. Openness and transparency are the keys to what connects us. We've got so much to share and so much time to treasure....
The day he left for Bkt Tinggi again was the day I fell apart. I fell hard knowing that I love him very much and that I'll be missing him dearly. I constantly find myself counting down the days I get to see him again. It was heartbreaking... but that's Love... *smiles*

The new chapter did not start for me alone. It started for Merv too. He popped up in one of the Leo outings with his Yoga Instructor, someone whom he was going out with couple of weeks back. I felt the pinch at first since our issues just ended 2 months back plus it didn't end as well as I thought it would. He seemed happy... so I guess that was it... It was really time for the both of us to leave everything behind; for me perhaps but I don't think there's anything for him to leave behind cause it wasn't important to him to start with...

Its now a brand new start... for all of us...

*Lynn*

New Diary...

Dear Friends,

Sorry for missing in action. Had problems editing my previous blog after reformatting my computer. So the old one is already on PERMANENT vacation :) Had to start a new one altogther so please bare with me on the necessary changes :P
Will be posting up my last 7 posts from the previous blog so it looks more complete...
Sorry and thanks again for accommodating to the adjustments...

Luv,
*Lynn*

*Trying very very hard to ignore!*

U guys have no idea how hard is it for me not to feel even the Slightest Pinch everytime something like this happens...

Mervs to Shona in Friendster testimonial:

"BabyShonz ffk me tonight. So I'm letting all her friendster contacts know! *chiak ba seong eng*Anyway, you seem somewhat bored lately. So here's a testimonial for you to read and approve. Hopefully it'll help overcome 2 minutes of boredom. =)Cheer up... only Oct & November left to go! I bet half of Penang can't wait for you to get back. And the other half probably couldn't care less! LoL! Just kidding!Btw, please remember to book urself for 12-15 May 2006 - No excuses!!!!!!"

There's more where that came from....

Every single time something as small as that happens, it'll remind me of how cheated I was by him...

*Lynn*